“I’ve been crying every day for a month. I’m ready to lose my shit.”
That’s how we started two weeks ago. I was uber fragile, over done, and I cry when I’m mad. And I was mad at ME. How had I let myself get soooo far down this freakin’ rabbit hole? Again?!?!
And it’s all true. From one perspective. I am fierce, determined, and love with my whole self. And I have a crazy attachment to “proving myself through work”. Add in how I love to teach, which can look like me trying to save the world.
Recipe for burn-out, crashed adrenals, and a sugar craving that make holiday desserts vaporize.
My complete dedication of time and energy to the life I committed to for 2015; the job and living situation were coming to a close. But I was feeling trapped. A failure. And so stinking mad at myself. I had chosen to do what I did because it felt right, but I had left myself stranded at the side of the road for far too long. My athletic pursuits? Pure memories. My business? Pure talk and thinking. Myself? Not present. Busyness is not progress.
When I get mad enough I start to shift things. This last week I shifted a lot. I thought it was just because one thing had come through and that provided the new sense of calm. And work slowed some, which gave me time to follow through on a couple things. Look! I was checking off my to do list.
The power of coaching is everything sometimes. It’s all about perspective. My coach spent an hour with me yesterday reframing, connecting, and intuitively showing me the mirror. It’s funny how we get so mired down in our own crap we totally lose perspective! Ta-da!
When asked about presence, I remembered back to several instances of calm, even while juggling so many different things (I am the Queen of Overscheduling). Presence is the calm in the middle of all chaos.
Synchronicity was pointed out between my previous session and the actions I’d taken the last few days. Now. I discovered a fantastic resource for my next
workshop simply because I actually read an email and clicked a link. I must delete 20 similar emails a day. Perspective. Things happen when I’m ready.
And then…Vulnerability. How, as a caretaker, I choose relationships and circumstances which don’t require me to be vulnerable. I’m safe. Except I’m so sick of playing safe. Terrified as hell because I want it SO badly. And what if I fail?
But, what’s to fail? Being vulnerable. Feeling beneath the surface. Desire + try. It’s uncomfortable, which can induce shrinking. I want to inspire greatness. To feel like I am living up to the compliments from my friends and clients. I need perspective.
The big shift, ah ha, Light Bulb Moment? It came in the form of a question: Did the emotional period last month need to happen to make room for manifesting now?
Say whaaat?!? Duh. Of course. I. Know. That.
But, look at the mess I’d made in my head. Perspective. I was laying the foundation for change and growth. I’m ready. I just needed to make space in my heart, head, psyche.
The cool piece about a fabulous coaching session, the mirror of perspective? It breathes space into my thoughts. It gives clarity to the timing, the patterns, and I see how I am empowering myself, I am choosing me, how I am coming home.
Questions to help you check your perspective:
How did presence show up for me this week?
How am I? Notice where you’re choosing yourself, activities, thoughts, patterns of empowering yourself.
Who do I get to be in this relationship/job/role?
Daily Mini-blog for inspiration, motivation, and thought provoking questions.