I just can’t get my shit together.
I’ve been saying it for months. Feeling desperate. Angst. Itchy in my own skin. And I just can’t quite put my finger on it. Until last week. Awakening + uncomfortable + recognition. All at once.
Hmm. How interesting……I want to change. To grow. To become more of who I am before the world told me who I should be.
I want Ease, Abundance, Grace. Yet, I feel trapped in busyness, doing, scarcity, and fractured energy reactivity. Not graceful at all. Except moments when I am who I am. (You can check out one such moment here.)
So, WHY? Why Santy Claus, Why? Turns out old patterns are hard to break. Patterns of protection are also ingrained on a cellular, physiological level. How interesting. (For a great start on Trauma patterns and healing, check out Secret Bad Girl written by my friend Rachael Maddox. For an engaging breakdown of change + growth patterns check out Marie Forleo’s interview with Todd Herman).
For me, it’s about caretaking and vulnerability. Maybe the desire for vulnerability and caretaking as the illusion of safety. It’s all about living more congruently with my desire to be more grounded, more calm, more aware, more energized, more loved (mostly by me). It’s about the struggle between wanting it, remembering how it used to feel, and feeling trapped.
Oh. So. Trapped.
I am not interested in winning the ordinary race. I’m curious and excited about The Edge. The edge of my comfort zone, the edge of my smallness, the edge of my self-imposed limits. They’re safe. But they are stifling.
Who am I + what’s possible if I stopped caretaking (or stepped back from the illusion that I can keep everything together and FIX everything) and started honoring my needs? SUPER ass scary! Wait. I have needs? Not milk + bread when it snows needs. Like real emotional, spiritual, energetic needs? Pfffffff. I don’t have time.
See how insidious it is?! Knowing I want change and that ingrained pattern which supposes safety is getting tight. The air is getting thin. First is PATIENCE. With myself. Truly. Observe. Breathe. Breathe again. I have a lot of “how interesting” moments. The trick is doing something with the insight.
My plan of action for kicking it up and shedding my too tight, old patterned skin:
Support: from myself. From community. It looks like admitting my needs and where I missed opportunities, increasing my awareness. It looks like jumping on Skype and planning a retreat event with 2 Energy Mavens for August (more details coming). It’s acknowledging where I’m already acting with Ease, Grace, + Abundance. Hold hara for myself. Hmmmm, how interesting.
Courage: Every day I choose to do one less act of caretaking/hiding and step into owning my story, owning my process, setting boundaries for myself, I’m closer to breaking the pattern. Reshaping it to something more aligned with my higher purpose, my blueprint of who I am before I shut it down. (Think back to that 5 year old, 7 or 10 year old version of you. Before you hid your heart, became quiet or started acting out because it was easier than being you.)
Challenging my Internal Dictionary: I’m tough. I’m independent. I’m a Capricorn + French + Fiesty (it’s similar to the 3 strikes of Chestnut + Thoroughbred + Mare). I’ll Do It Myself. Except that can be so hard. And it’s an illusion. So…Vulnerability isn’t a weakness. It’s gratitude, trust, engagement, courage, love. Hmmmm, how interesting.
Trauma doesn’t have to be god-awful to be formative. In fact, most of us have behavior + patterns shaped by trauma. And for me, minimizing my story, my abilities, my self has come to a critical head. I see trauma + how I’ve taken it on. Like a coat. I can shed it.
Bravery is necessary moment by moment. As much as I’d love to be as “brave” + bad ass + super aware/capable as Jason Bourne, what’s more critical to my metamorphosis is bravery with me. Myself. Brave when I look in the mirror and try to love what I see. Brave to stop mid-sentence, think, breathe, and act with grace + ease instead of flight or fight.
Gentleness Reserved only for animals, children, and the elderly. How ‘bout some gentleness for thy self, o’ Stephanie? Like fairy dust. Sprinkle it everywhere. With good intention + wild abandon. Generosity of Gentleness. I like it.
What’s your pattern of “Should”, of hiding, of keeping yourself stuck? What’s tugging at you, nudging you? Join the conversation by leaving a comment or sharing with your friends.
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